Published in the May 11-25, 2016 issue of Morgan Hill Life
By Marty Cheek
Marty Cheek
Publisher Morgan Hill Life
The blockbuster “Superman versus Batman: Dawn of Justice” must go down in history as the worst superhero movie ever. I’m not talking about its cinematic quality, which many film critics lambasted for being tedious and overly dark. I’m talking about it being bad for the lack of a punctuation mark.
The movie had a budget of $225 million. Thousands of Hollywood dream machine hours were spent in filming and creating the special effects bringing the Man of Steel and the Caped Crusader together to battle it out in Gotham City and Metropolis. Great fun, yes, as Batman and Superman try to kill each other in a grudge match for the ages. But near the end, the movie was entirely ruined for me when Perry White, the editor of the Daily Planet, walks by the press machine and picks up a copy of Metropolis’s newspaper. Through his eyes, we get a glimpse of the front page.
I need to be careful not to spoil the story, so I can’t say what exactly was revealed at that movie moment. But I gasped out loud when I saw that the subhead (the smaller type headline under the main headline) was missing a much needed comma between two short clauses. My evening was ruined. I thought momentarily about asking for my money back because of the typo. But then I reconsidered that idea, imagining the nice folks at the CineLux Theater ticket box calling the cops, terrorized by a patron who was crazy about a comma.
Unfortunately, after decades of writing, my brain now has an annoying habit of constantly proofing everything I read whether I want it to or not. It’s hard to read for pleasure because I’m constantly finding punctuation, spelling and grammar mistakes that fly by the eyes of others not encumbered by the filter of professional writing skills.
Alas, some of these punctuation mistakes have even appeared in issues of Morgan Hill Life. Usually I catch them when I’m at the bulk mail counter of the Morgan Hill Post Office, flipping through the pages of the latest printed newspaper while the postal employee processes the order. I’ll forever be haunted by the switch of the words “glutton” and “gluten” in a story on Patty’s Perfect Pantry that I wrote at 2 a.m. on the day we went to press. I know the difference between those two words. It’s just that when you’re writing at that insane hour on only a few hours of sleep, your brain can’t catch the mistake until it’s locked forever in ink on nearly 20,000 newspaper copies. And in our last issue, I’m embarrassed to tell, despite several extremely careful proof reads, I missed that we had mistakenly used the word “pubic” instead of “public” in an opinion piece.
On occasion when people are introduced to me and learn that I’m a writer, they will tell me nervously, “Oh, I better watch my grammar around you.” To be honest, I’m not a grammar stickler during conversations. I consider that a free-for-all of ideas, and I’m more concerned about the content of what someone might be telling me than if they got their verb tenses right. As a reporter, I usually record the interviews I do in researching a story. When I later transcribe them, I sometimes find that my sources used incorrect grammar. As a courtesy, I usually will correct their mistakes, unless their error might add to the ambiance of the story by revealing a bit of their character.
I particularly have a passion for punctuation. There’s something magical about these small marks that can be peppered throughout a sentence and change the tone and meaning of the message. I firmly believe that everything an average person needs to know about basic punctuation can be learned in 60 minutes or less. I’ve even suggested to several elementary school teachers that they accept my “One-Hour Challenge” to train their students in the art and craft of punctuating sentences. Perhaps some brave teacher might invite me into their class Sept. 24, which is National Punctuation Day, and I’ll share with the students the secrets of using the dozen or so punctuation marks, which are about all they really need to master for proficiency in reading and writing.
The trick is to understand how punctuation marks transform the “breath” contained in a sentence. The comma can be difficult to master because it has diverse uses. A misplaced comma — or lack of a comma — can transform a sentence dramatically. The famous example are the sentences “Let’s eat, grandma,” and “Let’s eat grandma.” Leaving out that comma transforms a friendly family meal into cannibalism.
Semicolons are also a bit tricky so I usually avoid using them. I consider them an illegal “California stop” in a sentence where you tap on the brake, slow down slightly, then proceed through the intersection. A period at the end of a sentence is a “full stop” (which is exactly what the British call them). The overuse of semicolons can also come off as a bit of elitist snobbery. The writer Kurt Vonnegut even recommends writers simply avoid altogether this hybrid of a colon and a comma, famously recommending: “Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college.”
I happen to be especially fond of dashes as punctuation marks. They reflect how my brain seems to work — in excited bursts of thought that suddenly comes streaming out into the world of words. And exclamation points! Don’t get me started! Use them only in exclamations! Unfortunately, people mistakenly think these punctuation marks can make a weak idea sound more energetic by adding one (or worse, many) to the end of a bland sentence. My rule: if you can’t actually shout a sentence out loud, don’t use an exclamation point.
Whether you’re a mild-mannered reporter for Morgan Hill Life or The Daily Planet, remember good writing must be a pleasure to read. And much of that pleasure comes from the proper use of punctuation. These little marks enhance thoughts and keep ideas flowing smoothly in the reader’s mind.
