Develop a safety plan with your child and review it frequently
Published in the Oct. 29 – Nov. 11, 2014 issue of Morgan Hill Life
By Staff Report
Larry McElvain, Discovery Counseling Center
This month, a teacher at Paradise Valley Elementary School was arrested by the Morgan Hill Police Department on the suspicion of molestation of at least two students. Many parents at the school expressed their concern about the alleged crime at a special meeting set up by the Morgan Hill Unified School District.
Larry McElvain, the executive director of the Discovery Counseling Center in Morgan Hill, addressed many of the issues brought up by the recent incident at the meeting. Morgan Hill Life asked him to talk about the issue of molestation and what parents need to know to minimize the chance of it happening to their children.
What can parents do to keep their child safe from sexual molesters?
Parents should do all they can to prevent possible child molesters from having access to their children, but the best defense for a child is to know three things and have the skill to address these when they occur. First, every child should recognize when they feel uncomfortable around a person and the skill to remove themselves. Second, every child should know the difference between safe, unsafe, and unwanted touch and the skill to stop the unwanted touch. Third, every child should know the difference between safe and unsafe secrets and what to do if someone shares an unsafe secret. The skill behind each of these involves the child knowing how to voice their concern.
You talk about “safe secrets, safe touch” elements of a relationship. Describe what this is and how parents can work with their child to use this?
Safe touches are good for children such as hugs, a pat on the back, even removing a splinter. Unsafe touch such as kicking, pinching, and pushing are hurtful. But unwanted touches are the most confusing to children. These are touches the child does not want from that person or at that moment, such as a pinch on the cheek by grandma, or tickling. Children should know that it is never OK to touch someone else’s private body parts, or for someone to touch his or her own private body parts in front of them, or for someone to ask them to touch his or her private body parts. It is always OK for a child to say “no” to an unwanted touch, even if it is from a familiar person.
Children should know that keeping a secret about a birthday gift is a safe secret. Unsafe secrets include: any kind of touch, games that hurt someone, gifts, or problems another person shares. None of these should be secrets for a young child, and they should always go tell a trusted adult near them.
What should I do if my child comes home from school and tells me that a classmate is being touched inappropriately?
The first thing is stay calm. Your child is probably already scared and not sure what to think. Becoming reactionary will raise your child’s anxiety level, making it more difficult to share what they know. Instead ask your child to share what they have seen or heard with you and give them time to tell everything without acting urgent. Once they have shared, be sure to thank them for being smart and brave by telling you. Tell them they did the right thing and you will make sure their classmate is helped.
How do you empower parents to empower their children to be assertive when someone is touching them or talking to them in an inappropriate manner?
When parents tell their children the world is full of bad people, they create unneeded anxiety. Anxiety never produces solutions. Instead parents should teach children safety strategies. Parents should schedule family meetings to make a safety plan. The plan should address rules the children should follow when they are alone, at home, at the mall, or when a stranger offers them a gift. Think of all the risky environments your child could be exposed to and what they should be doing to keep safe. Develop a safety plan with them and review it frequently.
